if you want to read, don't ask.
...

dear you,

i see the picture written all over your face. why don't you tell me, what's the secret behind the dwindling of it all? you deny it through words; lying hard through gritted teeth, but your actions say it all otherwise.

i thought, you could take it, pull me through. just a short period, and you got scared. i can't believe i made a fool of myself 9 times. 9 times and that's it. i have my limits too. you think it's so easy for me, as you got increasingly sian. but you never knew, how much i needed you then. i thought you'd be there. even with no time, but time shouldn't be a factor. more often than such it is. what did i do? i built one that time was a factor when i warned myself not to. and you didn't do anything to make it better. i should have seen it coming, read all the signs you gave, telling me that you wished it was all over since you're blatantly getting sick and tired of it, of me.

i thought it would never end. how was i to know that it's cause of me that's why things are in this state. but where did i go wrong? what did i do to deserve all your yellings and temper when i'm just trying to get you to accept what gets me annoyed. what happened to compromise? did it just all become 'just for you'? how you see things as insignificant, and me acting up on 'small' things. i'm different you know. small to you may be huge and big to me. but you undermine my feelings all the time. yes i told you to be just yourself. but i can't love someone who's ever so brutal and considers only how he feels. whenever you say something, you only keep in mind that i'm telling you to be yourself, what about how i feel?! what happen to making concessions for each other? so that things can work out.

everyone around us thinks that you're the one always getting it hard. but hell they don't know how much the roles have reversed. they told you to just be a man and tell me how you feel all the time. yes tell me how you feel, but you got to try and make me understand why you feel that way if i don't understand, no? you gave up trying a long time ago. so it came to a point where what i say or feel doesn't matter anymore. what matters is how you feel, and what your limits are.

it hurts real bad when you sit there, stunned, in silence, and having no response, when you see me, your supposed loved one, going through pain inflicted brutally by you. overwhelmed by your own emotions? admit it, you don't know how and don't want to be the one having to put up with me and comfort me anymore.

i asked you what it is you really wanted- you couldn't give me an answer.
and only the foolish part of me hoped that you could once again say with such confidence that you only want me.
but no, those days are gone. memories and all.

you say you needed your own time. but i just don't have that time.
too many chances given, and you never did show how much you cared. it's all just words isn't it? and the excuses of how even if you say/do it, it won't work, so might as well not say/do anything. why don't you just tell me that you can't be bothered with trying for me already?
you think its so hard.
and it's breaking my heart.
you still love me you say.
i say, you love me when things are smooth and i'm in a good normal condition.
but that's not when things matter, sadly.
you said you'd be there when i needed you; but you never were. even more so when i was at my lowest and needed you the most.

anyway, i guess it's all over.
i won't be a fool again. running back with pride and dignity gone.
i feel i've never tried so hard for something before.
and so it's time for me to leave.
before you slowly but surely kill me inside.
you say you don't expect me to come back; similarly, i won't expect you to come back either.
you never did, and never will, no?
i was foolish enough to think that it'd would last.
foolish enough to give you everything.
don't blame float.
don't blame the distance.
it's not your fault either you say.
so, blame me.
for how everything turned out.
what's a bit more of fault compared to having all pride and dignity gone.

you made me hate you for treating me like this.
for hurting me like this.
for turning me into someone like this.
i hate you.
i'm not the kind of girl, that you can let down and think that everything's okay.