WHY become a doctor?
WHAT is the thing that's pushing me towards this?
WHERE does the passion comes from?
HOW will i go about being a doctor?

It breaks my heart to know that the definition of a doctor is to "improve and in some cases, pro-long, the life of others, though not indefinitely."
NOT INDEFINITELY.
and so there's a 'patient' suffering at home right now, and there's nothing i can do about it, but improve the quality of his life, and hopefully keep his suffering to a minimal.

and even though i can't bear to put him to sleep, but i know eventually, i'd need to make that decision. everyday for the past few days, i've been keeping him company, letting him know that i'm fighting the fight of old age with him.
>>old age, an irreversible condition that every living being has to go through.
and i watch him struggle with physical disability, incontinense, and arthritis. it saddens me furthur to know that he's alert enough to know what's going on, and recognise the pain that he's going through.
and everyday without fail, i'll cry in a state of helplessness, AS THERE'S NOTHING MUCH I CAN DO, but let him know i'm there.

it makes me wonder, would it be better if he's suffering from dementia? only then, will he also lose the ability to recognise pain. maybe then, he'll wouldn't be suffering like how he is now.
...

it makes me wonder also, how many more of such similar cases will i experience again in future.
starting with my grandparents, i don't know how i'll take it.