now, i've recently spotted a new quirky behaviour in me.
quirky is kindof like an understatement, in a pretty much negative way.
why you say?
it's weird, but i seem to be walking under a blanket of sadness and black-erays.
it's like how happiness shun me, and i shun him.
how i find it hard to click on a certain button, cause i know (for sure) that what appears will be filled with something happy.
and i avoid all the activities that involve toomanypeople, cause there's a high tendency of it being a ohletsplayitsaohsohappytime.
...

i've seem to have lost my ability to conceal my emotions; by the extremes,
but i've gained another which is to be pretty much an inferi.
what emotions then you ask me? precisely. precisely the question. if you know the answer, please tell me.
the irony of not wanting to be vulnerable and yet being reliant on someone.
...

i'm currently waiting for answers to fall down on me.
there's pretty much nothing i can do, cept prepare for the interview(if i even get it)
it's supposed that i'm strong.
yet how true and to what extent?
perhaps maybe only you will know how silly i've been. because i know, of all people, you won't scorn, neither would you be exasperated.
on the contrary, you'll understand, with such empathy that i feel even safe breaking down in front of you.
...

someone told me last night: don't worry. ha. we are swooping roles these time, unlike early this year. i'll do a great job with my new role.
and if it's really comfort you wanna give me, then take me on a ride or bring me out to the seas, accompany me as i look at the clouds and the stars, look away when i cry, hold my hand so i can feel the warmth.
but of all things you must not do, don't say a word.
nobody seems to be able to understand the solitude i long for, not by myself, but with someone being right there next to me.
irony once more.
...

my body has acquired another new ability, it's basically excreting everything that the mouth decides to consume in about an hours time.
overstatement? not.
i've moved my bowels just three times in the past 2 hours.
sometimes i even wonder- what is it like to just leave everything behind?
but i know me.
i will never have the peace of mind if i'm just going to let go.
like a robot, i'm merely stating the facts.
tomorrow when i reach there, don't you let me see how you have, and most probably will, treat her. because if i take offense in your tone, trust me, all the pent up emotions in me will just rain down on you.
i don't give a damn whether or not you're head, or whether or not she's in charge. all i know is, you weren't there, so you don't know, and don't assume you do.
...

i'm counting down to 31st december.
then at least i'll have some hope that it's gonna be a better year.
don't tell me you understand.
cause you never will understand.
having got most of what you want, or pretty much everything you've hoped for this year.
so don't tell me you understand it's hurting.
cause you'll never know exactly how much it's hurting.
...

and it's basically just you,
all of you.