it was definitely more than what i said, just that maybe (just maybe) i can't tell you what's the more to come.
say a huge no no to the big spare tyre, and wave off that laughter.
i should stop pretending
that i'm ready to face whatever it is that's coming my way.
the uncertainty of it all, and even more to come.
like lying awake at night, just to stare at the ceiling, and unable to find the reason behind this weariness that doesn't seem to exist when im by myself.
like in the day, when the weariness just comes back on, so much so like a switch, that you just feel like sleeping endlessly, and not at all attracted to the lights outside.
like going out of the bedroom(after bracing yourself), to find your family watching television together,
and say walking right back in, cause you suddenly lost the mood to do so.
like writing out a list of things that i need to get down to learning, and then finding the paper soaked with what seems to be droplets of rain.
was it even raining?
numbed from everything, i'm not that sure of what i'm doing already.
like being lead by the collar, using more of what my mind tells me to do, totally neglecting the fact that the heart is still functioning.
or is it not?
and soon(not that soon) the long term of refusing meals and blank agendas evoked suffocation and it just wanted to stand upside down,
so that everything can come pouring down.
like what i did not regret doing
though it took me a hell load of courage, to press that button.
people around me are filled with choices
yet they don't seem to appreciate having so much to choose from.
instead they go around, wondering aloud how what and even start thinking how impossible it is for them to get what they want in the end.
leaving me flabbergasted.
before the disgust starts sinking in, i moved on to thinking that it's best for them in any case.
just that somehow, it's not that sensitive.
but it was never a selfless act to began with, so why should i hope for so much.
i've kept it, and fell down,
right to the bottom of this pit, with smooth walls, and a rock filled bottom.
only to find myself asking
why did it all happen?
and what happened to that simple thing that comes with faith.
and so it seems like it has been a long time since i tried finding a way out of it.
but then i realise that i havent been doing anything.
and when i finally did,
i saw an opened door in comparison to a closed window.
shut tight, and swung opened.
i can't deny the fact that i'm not entirely ready
in fact im scared, afraid.
of what you ask me?
that as the years go by, and when i come back,
only to find that you've forgotten all about me already.
...

it may not seem much to you,
but you do matter.