look at me,
you may think you see who i really am
but you never know me.
everyday, it's as if i play a part
now i see,
if i wear a mask, i can fool the world,
but i cannot fool my heart.
...

physics spa is driving me nuts. all the scale reading, length reading, uncertainties and what nots. sigh. =/ i think i'm gonna fail tomorrow's paper. ohwell. it's kinda expected since it's physics. i think mr goh must be very disappointed with me. sometimes i wish mrs janet ng was here ): it was only with her that i could say everything- ranging from work to spiritual life to family to friends and relationships. sigh. it's been so long since i last caught up with her, and losing all my contacts in my handphone once meant that i lost my only way of contacting her. ): it's amazing how a friendship between a teacher and a student can be so wonderful(:

i think i'm turning very cynical. ha! what irony. i was having a very long conversation with santosh just last saturday on how life is unfair, which is a fact, and persuading him to not be so cynical about everything. dotdotdot. i'm contradicting myself. it's like so dumb. i always tell people to smile cause smiling is good, but i don't do so. i always ask people to look on the bright side of life but i don't too. i guess it's always hard to really put into practice what you preach. hohoho.

sdd is going really well. give god the glory for it(: you see, out of the midst of shadow, there's always a sliver lining out there. wait. i'm just searching hard for it. maybe my results won't suffer so badly at the end of the year. it's hard to believe when i've been failing throughout my whole nanyang life. sheesh. anyway, i have a feeling that sdd will turn out a blast(: don't care about those that don't want to attend, well too bad. you guys are missing out on loads. hohoho. my adhoc is love(: the housecom and ct and sc works well together(: oh yes. we should continue doing so! yayy.

oh by the way, xunai, i made up my mind. i decided to let go. haiyah. it's this long process of thinking and erm analysing. lol. but i reckon it's really not time, and i don't feel as though i have the energy and strength to hold on, so might as well you know i like to move it move it. yah. so stop going on and on about whatever journey i'm embarking on and what's with the other person?! he was never in the picture. hiak. -.-

i'm tired of always taking things into my own accord. i'm tired of having to live everyday that's always filled with worries and annoyance. i'm tired of having to feel this sense of nothingness in my heart. i'm tired of having to become the person i'm turning into- running away from all my problems in which i know i'm facing, spiritually and mentally, but just choosing to ignore it. i'm tired of having to be afraid of falling away, and worst still not having the courage to admit it. i'm tired of doing things with my strength and in the end not get anything done. i'm tired of how a person i am now.

has he given up? has he, has he? no.

he's still waiting. and waiting. patiently. from the time i open my eyes until i shut them tight at night- he has always been waiting for me. to speak to him. to once again lie in his embrace and loving arms once more. to once again pray with the passion and not just simply cause it's a routine.

i just want to commit my whole screwed up life to god above. and i trust that only he alone can take away whatever negative thoughts or inklings i'm feeling now. i want to lift my hands up high and sing a song of praise for him. sdd this year seemed to be a doomed at the start, but i believe it'll turn out fine, for no one knows that charlene and me have commited the adhoc into his hands, right from the day it was formed, til now, and til sdd itself. it's under his constant guidance and his glory will shine through it. amen.