i was just sitting in front of my computer not too long ago. i was online,but not many others were. i was bored. so to while away my time, i clicked on the button

"solitaire"

i started playing. trying hard to complete the game in the fastest timing i ever could. when i suddenly remembered what it was that caused me to develop this weird habit of aiming for the shortest time possible in solitaire. come on lah.who plays solitaire as a challenge?..

lionel did.

i could vividly hear his voice ringing in my ears...

"no no not there!! right click right click! see i told you right click is faster..."
and then he'll give me this wide grin. hahaha

i got hooked onto the game because of lionel. and playing it again got me missing him again. i don't know.lionel wasn't a really close friend in VJ..but well.his presence did make a significant difference. i.don't.know.howta.explain.it. but though he doesn't speak up much and stuff, actually all he does is to listen. but well, without him,you'll feel it. it's just. well..different. =// it then dawn upon me once more like how it struck me at various parts of the day..that 4 members of 05s15 are no longer with us.

prap.lionel.derek.dawn.

i still feel this unspoken thought that all of us share.but because of the 2 new comers, we don't say it out loud..well it is kinda sensitive and stuff. i know that deep down we're all still worried. especially for prap. she seems to be taking it rather badly. and even though we wanna tell her so many times that she'll always be part of 05s15, but somehow when i talk to her, she doesn't seem to have that same confidence anymore. it's like the moment she received her results, her world came crashing down, bringing every little bit of confidence she has together with it. devastating her. she sort of longs to be accepted once again into 05s15 even though she knows that she's always our darling prap. i could see her acting strong.pushing away the tears that welled up in her eyes til she could control no longer. trying to be happy and smiling when i know her heart is crying so badly.

and whenever i start to eat nasi lemak.i'd stop.pause. the nasi lemak doesn't seem to taste as nice anymore... suddenly i heard someone screaming into my ear

"ehhh!! what's this? don't you know how to eat a chicken wing in the CORRECT WAY? so wasteful!!"

but when i turned my head to look..i saw no one. and then i realised it was just a hallucination.

i saw derek after school today..he was in his VJC pe tshirt.at first i didn't see him.cos he blended in so well..he always did.he's a victorian.but then he gave me a smile. that smile. it's so familiar..i seem to have seen it before..but i seem to have lost the privelege of seeing it so often..and then it hit me. DEREKKk!! it seemed not so long ago how the girls in the class would gather and start talking about derek. he. the scary derek with the scary smile. with this weird freaky grin that scares the hell out of me. but now i see it as a precious smile.unique.heart warming. he was always standing strong. always smiling. even while waiting for the results. people aronud him were panicky for him while he just sat there..stoning. and smiling to us every now and then. i will never forgive myself for not treasuring that smile of his with all the time i had. and now when i want to, there's no more chance left.

"hahahhahahaa"

then i hear someone trying desperately hard to imitate my laughter. but when i turn around to look again, i found no one.again. dawn.how i would strangle her hard on the neck after she tries imitating me..and we'll both end up bursting into laughter. her ever so cheery "hello dory!" is gone.

as i stood there staring back into memories. the paths that we took. the crossroad that we came to. my eyes couldn't help but be filled with tears. my heart pounding so fast and hard that i just feel like running against time to the times before all these goodbyes...and then i heard it once more.the echo of a memory. or was it more then just a memory..

"right click right click! it's faster!! see i told you it's faster..where's my solitaire mouse..i have it at home..."
"ehhh! eat your chicken properly don't waste!...yumm this is heaven, freshly fried you know!"
"#smile#"
"hahahahaa.hello dory! your laughter is very unique! hahahahha"