ok. i told myself not to get too emotional about stuff. but when i started reading other peoples' blog about farewell. i simply can't take it anymore. i know it's been 5 days since farewell, but what happened that day is still so clear in my mind.

..........................

the truth is, i was trying badly not to cry. yes. but in the end at the song session, i couldn't take it anymore and tears just made their way down my face. =/i couldn't help but felt that it has come to be reality that we ARE leaving. and my days in guides in the future has been brought down to an abrupt zero. what is it in guides that made me so attached to it? well, i myself don't really know.

all i know is the times that we [the 12 MSUs] spent together training really hard and encouraging each other. all the tears that we shed and all the sweat that we contributed could actually fill up countless of buckets. taking 852 home after CCA session which usually ends around 8pm for amelia and me cause i have to wait for her sometimes and vice versa. my patrol. ORIOLE i know it's all too late to say it now, but if only i was given another chance.. i know alot of people out there seems to feel that i'm some kind of fReaK that suffers from depression or something,and even have the tendancy of saying stuff like im useless. but it has come to me as a fact that i didn't spend time with my patrol members, cause of PGA and stuff, BUT still that's no excuse.

i will miss them. alot. meiting and shaowen, though you guys are only sec1s, but you two have improved tremendously since the beginning of the year. anna and regina, the times that you two made me laugh is countless and all so precious cause next year there will be of no chance for me to laugh at your lameness. shuhui and charmaine! my dearest dearest sec3s. i couldn't have done anything without your constant help and support. no, no words can actually express how i feel towards my patrol..

i will miss footdrill. that's my favourite part of guiding apart from outdoor cooking. no, it's not the scolding part. no, it's not about me not having to do pumpings and still enjoy the activity.

dearest sec 2s,
i'm sorry, for all the scoldings that i gave you. you know, whenever panny and me scold you [most of the time is me], we scold cause we felt disappointed. i don't know. but maybe cause we took you guys since sec1 and you guys were like something that we both find so hard to let go. why do you always see us hanging around whenever there's footdrill? to scold you guys? sure, that's what all of you must have been thinking right. i don't know, but i just wanna tell you guys how hard it is for us to let go. i've never been so attached to a batch before except yours. even though i'm not close to all of you personally,but seeing you guys grow from not being able to march at all to one that CAN march superbly but sometimes refuses to coordinate..and whenever we have a big event coming up,it can be seen that you guys have put in alot of effort. and though i am always scolding you guys, i just want to say that i'm so sorry if i found it so hard to let go. to let go of a sequad that i saw grow from sec1...i'm sorry for setting too high an expectation for you guys..but i wanna tell you guys that i love all of you. the whole batch. but you guys don't have to fret anymore. for there will be no more dorinda around next year, to scold and be mean. and please rememeber one thing...i will NEVER EVER forget you guys. the batch that i find myself so attached to. and the batch that has made me swell up in pride...your potential is there sec2s, don't let what other seniors say about your batch affect how you guys view yourselves. love ya so much.

Dear Ms Ng,
You never knew how much your thoughts and opinion matter to us. how much it actually affected us. how worried we were whenever you decided to sink into your PMSING mood. you never really cared about how we felt huh. to you, we were just one batch that comes and go,without really leaving an impact on you. but that's the typical way that things work out in nanyang guides isn't it? and all we hoped for was for us to leave nanyang on a peaceful note. on one where all misunderstandings were cleared. but you never gave us a chance. not even once. you never knew how much we want to explain to you, to clarify with you. as much as you hated the word ASSUME, do you know that you were the one that has always been ASSUMING things? you assumed that we were complacent cause of the certain way we were acting. you assumed that we always took things into our hands and bypass you time and again. but if you can just ask yourself whether or not you actually gave yourself a chance to see things in another perspective, why we insisted on doing things in certain ways and why oh why do you find it just so hard to let go of certain things. that night when you told me that we were BANNED from going back to nanyang guides, i tried persuading you to think otherwise, and you being all so cold hearted by just replying, saying that if we do anything wrong again, you'll just wash your hands off nanyang guides. you jolly well know that nygg can't do without you.and when we told you that, you turned the tables and told us to stop praising you. did we? no we didn't. you didn't consider the fact that the juniors needed you, with a time like next year where the first batch of 120 sec1s will be coming in. and you didn't consider the fact that the standard of nygg will just drop if you leave. no you never thought about anything except how you feel about us and things around you. you once said, i either accept them as a whole or disown them as a batch. and once again you never thought about how we felt. how we felt. it just never dawned upon you how much it will upset us if you just suddenly decided to BAN us just cause of something that we did wrong. and once again, you didn't give us a chance to explain. ok actually you did. to me. but you still didn't accept it. why? cause you are too hard-hearted. and you still are. when, when will you ever learn to let go of the past? and i once looked up to you as someone really capable, and though you had your flaws, you were one of the few teachers in nanyang that was really committed. and though alot of us say that we don't like you, but do you know what is kou shi xin fei? but all of those aren't important anymore. because i don't like you anymore. no. i'm telling the truth.

but i will still miss the juniors. and you didn't help to make it less pain for us, the sec4s that loved them so much. in fact, you built up the pain, right from the start and you, never took the effort to help take away the pain. even if it's just a little bit. even if it's just a little bit.

and of course, all the sec4 guides that i've become close to this year. especially around the END OF THE YEAR. why do things always turn out like that? =( like rina and jade. and alot alot more. and getting to know ngoh, xiaolee, lowly,chieh,gracia,weijie,kwa,bra,nehx a whole lot more this year.

and now it's time to part. it's goodbye and goodnight. i'm sorry shu, but it's both.