i'm damn pissed off now. i don't know why.
disgusted. disgusted DISGUSTED.
i'm so useless. this don't know. that don't know.everything also don't know. and even this afternoon,i need poor amanda to come all the way to my house to fix the stupid computer for me. urgh. then now the stupid video camera screwed up on me. no. it's not stupid. it's just me. useless me. can't even operate a camera. and what's more get the irritating video editted.

i just finished making all the farewell presents. i think i screwed all of them. as usual, useless me. and when i looked at the pile of presents, i had this sudden urge to throw all of them away. what are all the presents for anyway. is it just the only way of saying goodbye? so material. so so so so so. so urgh. hate making farewell presents. giving is supposed to be a feeling of bliss. but i don't feel so whilst making the presents. so, chuck them all away then.

and as i wrote all the letters for my patrol members, i realised how little i know of them. it came clear that i didn't spend ample time with them, don't even understand them. and now, i'm starting to doubt my ability as a PL. maybe i shouldn't have been made a PL in the first place. i should have been postless. this way no patrol would suffer under the hands of a useless PL. as usual, useless me.

i have a gut feeling that i'll start crying during farewell. that the whole sec4 item will just flop. why? oh that's a nice question. let's see. out of all the times we met, it was the usual people that turned up. the rest? they died. and now it's definitely not the time to leave. no no it's all wrong. on the wrong note, wrong day and wrong everything. everything is so wrong.

and let's take a look at what i have done during the holidays. OH YES. i watched movies movies and more movies. dvds. vcds. tv. whoa. oh yah. i went out. but all this time have i really been happy? no. i haven't. i was simply just running.

running.


running.


just that night during guides camp. i was on sentry duty with weijie on the first night. but i ended up talking to jang until 4am. and that very night, i poured out everything to her. i couldn't take it anymore- i broke down.

but after that night, i just continued running.

running.

running.

and i'm still running.

so there you are dorinda. running with all your worth and realising how little you're worth.

useless you. useless you.