i found a book recently. a book that is pink in colour, with a picture of a fish in the front. a book that is wrapped in plastic. a book that was once mine, but left me when the memories held within decided to leave me. and now, it's back with me. with all the memories. and everything else inside.

when the book was presented to me, i looked at it as though it doesn't exists, as though it was something that ressurected. i received it, feeling scared in my heart. and as i flipped through the pages, i couldn't help but teared.

*the first few pages showed the determination of getting 15 points and below for midyears so that i could go to church.
*the first picture was the smileys that represented each of us.
*my obesession with losing weight.
*us winning the cny decoration and hamper wrapping.
*the pages that you decorated for me in blue pink red and black.
*the note that you wrote to me: hey dorinda when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, for everytime you think of me i'm right in your heart..always there for you to cry on. love buttplug.
*uncle tobys book mark.
*charles and how much i missed him
*one whole page filled with nothing but the two words, "im fat" at the end, written in pencil was, "you are not, it's a fact" by you.
*my name in short " D O R ", stickers given to me by you.
*CNY entries and the neoprint we took.
*our photo, taken when we were sticking cotton wool outside the classroom, each with our monkies on top of our heads.
*your testimonial to me. something i titled "true friendship history"
*entry of how we spent valentines day together.
*an entry of when i started feeling that it was wrong for us to get so upset and irritated with her. and how hard i tried to prevent you from reading it.
*a poem for me from you three, when i was so down and dejected because of my o level chinese result. It ended saying, "when you need someone, we promise We'll be there for you. We promise We will. We promise. Tiff, Huixin, Huiyi." tiff said it was you and her who came up with it.
*your birthday wishes. in which i told you i could only help you fufil your third wish. and how much i cried on your birthday cause i did not fufil the promise in which i made to you to give you your electric toy guitar.
*a note in black from you that went" :) I, Cheah Hui Xin, solemnly swear to be true to my words and love Dorinda forever, and stand by you till the day I die"

...............

i took a deep breath and wanted to throw the book down the drain. but i realised, i couldn't. you were right. you never did understood me. even knowing me for four years straight. how sometimes i would think to myself how much you have changed since sec2. how much regret i felt for neglecting you in sec3. how much pain i felt when i walked right out of your life, wondering whether or not you felt the same pain as me. how much i cried on the night before your birthday, as i stared at the clock counting down.

but i must stress, i'm not blind, for i never regretted what i did. but i just want to tell you, i'm sorry for ever making you feel inferior, if i ever did. i'm no better then you, and you know it. i never felt that i was better then you just because i'm a christian. you have a tendancy to feel inferior when you hang out with people that share different views from you huh.i will never forget how much i surpressed myself even though i disagree with what you were doing.and how much i tried to tell you but how you just couldn't seem to understand. and although i seem to act differently with every person that i hang out with, but the words that i tell them were all the same.

and lastly, i want to tell you, i hate myself for loving you. you said you tried to put your point across to me? ha! oh no. you didn't to me, you just sat there rolling your eyes out. you didn't even wanted to talk. and you didn't even wanted to listen. so did you? no you didn't. to me, you didn't even try. so don't say you did. cause you didn't. you always thought you were right. and true friends don't do that.